A Dialogue With My Boss's Old Stereo, Who Only Speaks in Adult Contemporary

ME: You're annoying.

STEREO: [Saxophone squeal, soon revealed to be the intro to Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street"]

ME: Like you've never said that before. Only proving my point.

STEREO: [Saxophone squeal, soon revealed to be the intro to Bob Seger's "Turn the Page"]

ME: First of all, stop yelling.

STEREO: [Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy"]

ME: Well, I find that rather patronizing. Trying to "speak to my generation," are you?

STEREO: [Green Day's, "Time of Your Life"]

ME: How dare you. That's just...cynical.

STEREO: [Third Eye Blind's "Semi-Charmed"]

ME: So uncool. And I was in 7th grade, okay?

STEREO: [Saxophone squeal, soon revealed to be "Who Can It Be Now" by Men At Work]


ME: Thank you. Let's at least be honest here about where we're coming from. That's the first step towards mutual understanding.

STEREO: [Tears for Fears, "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"]

ME: Now you're just being a jerk. I felt like we were getting somewhere, and now you're way over there, and I'm way over here. Look…I concede that you recognize and celebrate talented, worthwhile artists. You do. I really believe that. It's just that you're always so superficial, so vapid.

STEREO: [Pink Floyd, "Money"]

ME: You're trying. You really are. Bless your heart.

STEREO: [Saxophone squeal, followed by a series of saxophone squeals, later revealed to be Kenny G's cover of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful"]

ME: I'm not patronizing you now. And you know I never said you spoke Smooth Jazz.

STEREO: [Eagles, "Hotel California"]

ME: Okay. There you go. Let's agree to disagree and go our separate ways. Just do one thing for me: Stay tolerable.

STEREO: [Aaron Neville, "Don't Know Much"]

ME: [Stern look]

STEREO: [Fastball, "Out of My Head"]

ME: Fair enough.